...until it opened

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Here I am sleep deprived again as I try to finish articles and adjust to the polyphasic sleep schedule. 

I made an extended video for this month.  My cheeks looks somewhat more defined, so people regularly think I've passed 16 years. 

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=-71108845019547651&hl=en

For some reason stabbing myself has been harder than usual. 

I think I accidentally drew up 1.5 ccs, so I will have to make a note to draw up only 0.5 cc next time.  Once I realised the mistake, I distributed the shot over two thighs--roughly injecting 1 cc in the left and one-half in the right.

Now I've got to massage them so they won't cramp too much!

I feel that I've talked quite a bit about physical changes, but I will say that my body hair is still growing and quite a number of hairs are finding their way onto my chin.  It turns out that my right sideburn is now longer than the left.

Looking back, I've grown a lot as a person, not necessary because of testosterone.  I liken the transformation I've seen in myself to a flower finally opening. 

Emotionally, I noticed I'm more prone to anger, tho hardly an angry person.  I'm also more prone to be proactive, rather than try to overcalculate what must be done.  In terms of senses, colours still appear more vivid to me.  My dominant visual sense was definitely enhanced through the more of the hormone. 

It seems that every day I grow more and more involved with the world.  I think this is just---not aging, but growing with this world.

And the pictures follow....

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Kyle's posts are so insightful.  Something in his profile resonated with me.  He likes "people who are brave enough to be different".

I've been thinking about how to reconcile my female history with the way I present now.  Ideally, I would not have to live as stealth, but the fear of someone finding out my history is strong.

I can't disown that history or that part of myself.  I still have female parts, and I'm not totally uncomfortable about it.  I used to think of that female part of myself as an Iron Maiden, but now I want the man and woman to stand together...

I will write about this later.

I spend a little time looking at penises.  I'm particularly intrigued about all the neat videos guys post on XTube.  Sometimes I feel a little envy rising in me, wondering what I can do to make my dick a little bigger.

Some research I'm doing suggested it might take up to two years to maximize growth.

While thinking about this, I happened upon a site with a good collection of online documentaries---moviesfoundonline.com--- and this one:  My Penis and Everyone Else's.  It looks like an interesting movie, and I look forward to watching it later.

Boys, 19 and younger, muscular, hairy and in short shorts.  I feel a little fire in my loins....a slight fire--for the older, manlier ones, mind you.

Being amongst these hairy, coordinated young men who were in shape made me feel like such a skinny little boy.  I wanted to possess what I saw as manliness in them for myself.  Hair on the pedestal of the foot!  Who can understand this obsession?  I fear I will never have it--hair on the pedestal of my feet.  

The game is so fast.  I want to develop skill at some sport.  Many of the Anglo lads had budding facial hair.  I thought of my own hairless face.  I felt uncomfortable.  

Timaris mentioned my being a fast runner.  I felt she overestimated by prowess as an athlete and this made me want to train harder.  I want to be lean and muscular, too.

This experience reawakened a deep, emotional stirring in me for greatness...my own vaguely defined life-goal. She was trying to recruit me to play for the men's team here as a scrum half.  While I want to play, I don't know if I will have the time....

Argh!  But I've been doing research on bodyweight strength training (calisthenics) and barefoot running.  The idea of self-actualization turns me on.

I have to remind myself to be patient.  One of the players' got in a bind during a match:  a member of the opposing teamm (accidentally?) grabbed his testicles.  He was in such pain!  I took in every detail--from the blood on his teeth to the way he cupped the sac in his hands whilst he writhed in pain to the instruction the referee gave him to relieve the pain.

I want to play with the men, but I have this fear that people will discover I don't have all the male parts...especially if I'm injured.  

This also reawakened my desire to get chest surgery as soon as possible.  I want to be able to walk about without my shirt on as well.  Some part of me is impatient for it, another part of me thinks I haven't the discipline to save, and another still is highly motivated to do so.

I have resolved to construct a thermometer to gauge my progress in saving with alluring pictures of bare-chested men. 

I took this picture of myself today and thought it looked good, so I'm posting it here for the benefit of others.

Best shot favourite nephew

My shoulders are starting to get pretty wide.  It's wild.....I haven't even been working out very seriously for muscle.  I'm  just doing taiji, crunches and push-ups now and again.

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http://thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=220

My voice seems not to have changed a lot recently.  It's been about a year and I still haven't got much facial hair.  I still look 12.

I'm not

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I like looking at pictures of saints whose eyes are raised to heaven whilst experiencing a kind of divine agony before the moment of death.

Somehow I have a cleft developing on my chin.

I'm  listening to this FTM guy talk about his lust toward women.  I think I'm coming to term with my lack of sexual thoughts in general. 

I feel horny, but my thoughts aren't generally directed toward anything....or sometimes I look at gay porn, but mostly my attractions don't have objects.

I need to be emotionally and intellectually attracted to a person before I can feel physically attracted to them. 

I'm equally unattracted to all types of people at this time.

This guy is talking about having a hard time crying....

I have noticed that a little bit, but I have more issues with anger now.  More of a tendency toward anger than to sadness...

And behold the video....